Loss & the Older Sibling

I love surprises.  My boys know it, and they enjoy being surprised.  It was so much fun to share with our friends and family that we were expecting again!  This is our pregnancy announcement from November.  I adore it!  We had fun telling the boys what it meant.  Manasseh, our 4 year old was super excited about being a big brother again.  He really wants a little sister named Annie.  (Even if he has a little sister some day, her name will not be Annie).

How do you tell a 4 year old that the baby he is so excited about welcoming will not be coming after all?  I'll admit, I had shed a lot of tears.  It took a few days to come to a place we could share with the boys that we would not be having a baby.  When we did tell him, he was crushed.  He snuggled in my arms and cried with me.  "But I wanted a baby," he told me.  I cried too.  "Why did the doctors say we can't have it?"  I asked the same questions, only in more complex ways.  I love the simplicity, the clear thinking that my children bring.

So how do you talk to the older sibling about losing a baby?  How do you keep that sibling from fearing that he'll be lost as well?  In our case, Manasseh already struggled with issues of loss, how can you help them through it?

1.  Be Honest - Kids thrive on truth.  They want to understand the world around them.  They want to make sense of this reality just as much as we do.  Truth is really hard sometimes, it's hard to get the words out of our mouths.  Our kids learn honesty from us.  They respect us when we show them how to be true.

2. Use Ideas They Can Handle - My 4 year old is not ready to handle the mechanics of why a woman's body might not be able to carry a baby to term.  He is, however, ready to know that sometimes baby's die.  Know your child's ability to handle information.  Keep it simple.  If you aren't sure how much she can handle, give her a little bit if she seems ready and asks for more, fill in more detail.

3. Express Emotions - Truth?  I have a really hard time expressing emotions in front of people - especially negative emotions.  My kids need to see that I do have emotions and they will learn from me how they should handle their own emotions.  "I am sad because..." is an excellent start to showing emotions.

4. Allow Self-Expression - Make sure your child knows it's okay for him to have feelings.  Give him space to grieve with you.  You have lost a baby, he has lost a sibling.  He may be just as grieved, upset, and depressed as you are.  If he is not great at expression, help him draw pictures about feelings, paint, or find another creative way to express feelings.

5. Be Patient - Know that you are likely on edge emotionally, hormonally, spiritually, phsyically.  Some days every little thing your child does may be frustrating.  Know she does not want to upset you.  She is struggling too.  Practice patience.  Go to another room and take a deep breath before dealing with a frustration.  Think about what might be causing her behavior.

6. Call on Friends - It's okay to ask for help.  Your child needs some special attention right now too.  Friends and family can be a great source of comfort for your child and a stress relief for everyone.  Set up a play date or two that will allow you to have time alone and your child to get special attention.

7. Address Fear of Loss - When Manasseh is feeling insecure, he starts asking questions about our former foster sons.  He often recounts when the puppy ran away (over 2 years ago), he talks about the cat that died.  Those are cues to me that he is concerned about being left.  He's a sensitive guy.  We regularly have to reassure him that he will stay with us and we will continue to protect him.

8. Pray With Your Child - Take time to pray and thank God for your family.  Name each person by name. Thank God for your pregnancy and pray that God keep your baby safe while it waits for you to join it some day in Heaven.

9. Give the Baby a Name - Naming the baby helps (me) with grief.  I know this was a baby, I can remember the baby and talk about it.  My boys can know that they won't be forgotten either.  If the baby that we never met has a name and stays in our hearts, they certainly always will.  (Our lost babies are Shalom and Selah).

10. Join a Support Group - This can be an especially good idea with older children.  My boys are young enough that they are able to be open with us and ask honest questions.  Some children are more comfortable talking to other children or adults outside of the family.  If your child is really struggling with their loss, ask your doctor or school counselor about a support group.

Food on Friday: The baby won't stop eating!

Someone recently asked, "What do you do when baby isn't satisfied after you finish nursing, he just wants to eat and eat and eat... and when you take a break, he screams?"

Please share your ideas in the comment box at the bottom of this post.

Here are a few thoughts to help answer that:

1) If he's truly not getting enough to eat, try nursing first, then pumping an hour or so later.  This will help increase your milk supply, and give you a bit extra for when you need it.

2) Try some herbs - They're not super cheap, but can help increase supply.  Motherlove is a great company that sells some of those herbs.  

3) Swaddle him, and if he'll take it put a pacifier in his mouth.  He might like the feeling of being held and just need something to suck on for a little while.  When I did this with Crackers, I also patted his chest.

4) Burp him.  That might sound silly, but sometimes Baby has that problem.  His little belly hurts and he wants to solve it by eating more.  Once he's burped he feels much better and is able to calm down and relax.

5) Put a pacifier in his mouth and hold him tightly, pressing his mouth into your chest firmly enough to hold the pacifier in.  Make sure his nose is not pressed into your chest so he can still breathe.  This move works especially well with Baby.

6) Put him in his crib, close the door, and walk away.  Take a breather.  Step outside.  He might keep screaming, but it won't hurt him.  You need to let yourself get a break sometimes.

7) If he's truly not getting enough and numbers 1 and 2 don't help, talk to a lactation consultant.  If you can't afford to talk to one, or don't know how to find one, call your local WIC office.  They provide free lactation consulting to their clients, and can connect anyone to help if needed.  Their business is helping women take care of their children and they are very interested in promoting breastfeeding.

What ideas do you have?  How do you calm an infant that only wants to nurse?  How do you know if he's really had enough?  Where do you go for help?

Children's Clothes - Yikes

So, someone had this brilliant idea about helpin protect kids by making a national industry standard requiring testing of ALL products that will be used by kids under 12. This is great, and will help kids be at less risk of lead poisoning.

However.. the problem with the Consumer Product Safety Improvement Act is that it currently appears to include ALL children's products, both new and used. This means that thrift stores, home businesses, and so forth would have to submit everything they sell for testing. Yikes.. that means that our second hand stores will be out of business, as they can't afford to have everything tested.. AND even if they could, in order to test things materials are destroyed.

I personally am a big fan of Salvation Army, Goodwill, any such store like this -- We've got to get to our congressmen and ask for some amendments to this act that protect sellers of used goods!